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Today is a sad day. Really sad. But my sadness is also tinctured with frustration, indignation and disappointment.
It seems that playing on average 1~2 hrs during weekdays and around 3 hrs during weekends does not propel me to a level to play solo.
I acknowledge and fully agree than the head music instructor (mi) is better than me in terms of technique and musicality. However I do believe that I am good enough to warrant at least 3 minutes on the stage.
The mi asked a panel to judge my performance. He didn’t let me finish the song or rather he did not allow me to repeat the part which im supposed to because there is no time. After I had played, he said I should fail (mind you, he asked the panel to judge, he shouldn’t comment at all in the first place). So logically, he swayed the opinions of the panel which consists of 5 juniors and 2 seniors. In a normal situation, we tend to follow what a professional says, due to credibility and skill. On top of that, he played himself to show the difference. Naturally, I won’t be able to get or close to what I deserve.
In fact I have envisaged such a day aeons ago. The day when the mi failed me last year for a charity concert auditions. That day I still remember vividly. And on that same fateful day the mi brought down my guitar and told me that members can no longer store their guitars in the guitar room anymore. Of course, under normal situations, we had a little chat. He told me where my mistake lied (just one, it seems that I have inconsistent rhythm), and we talked about other things as well. He told me that he is under a new teacher, who uses a better guitar technique, which can produce more melodious tones. I asked him if he could tell me the teacher's contact so that I can learn from him as well, he told me he can’t.
There are many other incidents that shaped my opinions about him. But I shant carry on such jeremiads (or distortion of facts depending on which side you are, however i do try to present a as unbiased a version as i can ), as it will carry on for another 3 pages. Moreover, many people may disagree and there will be more acrimonious words which I don’t want in my blog. Anyway, I hope that anyone who is reading this blog will judge the mi through his/her own experiences, and please don’t get affected by me or my opinions on him.
anyway I know that there is a theory that essentially stated that an employer will not hire or hope to have an person under him who is better or equally as good as him, just in case the guy below turns the table and displaces him. In terms of guitar skills, im inferior to the mi. but sometimes perceived threats can be as dangerous as the real one. How true can this theory work here? I think there is a 50% probability. (in the entire guitar club, there is only 2 people who can play Yamaha level 5 songs. One of the songs which I played for auditions was called la cathedral, which the mi said him that it is really difficult and he didn’t even attempt it himself. Although I can complete the song, I can’t play it to well so I changed song). Anyway, what do you think?
I’m a guy who will rebound after a failure. What does not kill me will make me stronger. I swear I will still be a guitar member, no matter how my vicissitudes plunge (I will be thick skinned, even if they kick me like what they did to my classmates, I will persevere) . Even if im not playing solo, or even if they don’t allow me to play at all and be backstage, I will hang on. I will never say die or surrender.
jianan[5:09 AM]
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